INTERNAL HOME MEMO
TO: ALL DEPENDANTS & RELATIVES
DATE: May 16, 2016
SUBJECT: FINANCIAL MELTDOWN/COST CUTTING MEASURES FOR YOUR URGENT ATTENTION
Due to the current economic situation, all domestic rules and regulations
Have been revised as below and under no circumstance is any violation going
To be accepted.
1. The Kitchen and all pantries are declared Restricted Zones. Entry
And/or passage shall require express permission from myself
Upon submission of written request.
2. Breakfast is banned. This matter cannot be discussed!
3. Such food items as rice, chicken, butter, jam, eggs, bread and milk are
Restricted. Anyone intending to eat any of such foodstuffs must write to
Me in triplicate, with three days notice, giving justifications backed by
a qualified dietician report as supportive documentation.
4. Bathing in the morning is limited to 5 liters of water per day per
person while bathing in the evening is banned unless there are medical
5. All security lights should be removed with immediate effect. All
dependants shall abide by an all-night guard-duty roster I shall make
6. No dependant shall entertain friends indoors, far less attempt to
offer food, drinks or even music. Those who want their guests to listen
to music shall sing for them.
7. No one is allowed to talk to officials from police, Council or Court
Bailiffs; doing so shall carry an instantaneous penalty of ejection from
8. Anybody who breaks a glass, furniture or any other property in The
House, shall immediately have to seek temporary employment
somewhere to earn money to replace such broken item(s).
9. All visitors intending to spend a night/week or more shall
apply in triplicate and give two months notice, with an endorsement from
their town Imam, Mayor, Village Headman or Church Priest, giving convincing
reasons why they can’t stay at their homes. Failure to do this shall result
in their being turned away, at the gate, upon arrival
THESE RULES ARE BINDING AND NOT SUBJECT TO ANY DISCUSSION WHATSOEVER!!!
Chairman of Home Affairs